A Bad Day

First, I promise a recap of the Gladiator Assault Challenge that I completed on Saturday, but I'm waiting for more pictures.

Second, I promise more regular posting starting June 4th (i.e. the first real day of summer).  Also, the "more regular posting" will be back to the "boring food and exercise" posting that you know and love.

Third, I had a not-so-great day today, and I feel like writing about it may be beneficial.  So, if you would prefer to avoid partaking in my pity party, now would be the time to stop reading.

Today was rough because a horrific tragedy concerning one of my students - and the enormity of what I would have to face (alone) in a few days - finally sunk in.

Today was largely spent sobbing my eyes out - mostly due to the aforementioned tragedy.

Today was also a day when I really needed a friend - someone who would give me a hug, someone who would tell me it would be okay, someone who would provide what little comfort could be given.  So, I turned to someone who I thought would be there for me - someone I had been there for so often, someone whose back I had countless times, and someone I had supported through quite a lot.

Someone who I thought would be there for me because, had the situation been reversed, I would have been there for him.

Unfortunately, that was not the case - and that really, really hurt.


I am having a very difficult time understanding this.  Perhaps I am absolutely delusional in thinking we were friends.  Perhaps I am imagining a relationship (a friendship) that never existed.  Perhaps I am just too caring and too giving and too selfless and expect that others will reciprocate the very, very few times I need them to.

And interestingly enough, I am having an extremely difficult time articulating this.  Normally when I am upset or sad or trying to work through my discontent, my irritation, my confusion, writing helps.  Writing has proven to be extremely therapeutic and has really allowed me an outlet to work through various issues, but for some reason, it's just not doing the trick this time.

I truly think it's because I straight-up don't understand.  I just don't get it.

I am so tired of being the strong person.  I am so tired of being the independent woman.  I am so tired of taking care of everyone, of having everyone's backs, of supporting everyone, of being a listening ear and a loving hug for everyone, of caring too much about everyone.

I'm just tired.

But, I'm also Emily.  And I know that even though it's exhausting, I will still be the strong person.  I will still be the independent woman.  I will still take care of everyone, I will still have everyone's backs, I will still support everyone, I will still be a listening ear and a loving hug for everyone, and I will still care too much about everyone.

I just wish that certain people would realize that sometimes - very rarely - I need that compassion returned.

Before I stop Sob Fest 2012, I must thank three people:

• My mama: when I locked myself in my classroom and bawled my eyes out for 20 minutes, she listened to me and talked me off the ledge, even though she was exhausted and nauseous and in the middle of a nap.  I love my mom more than she will ever know, and I am so thankful for her always being there for me, for talking me off the ledge, and for being my rock.  (And great: the waterworks start again.)
• My bestest friend in the whole wide world, KW: she knew I was a hot mess, called me on the way home and talked me through everything, listening to me cry and explain for the millionth time that I just don't get it.  And then she took me to dinner and wasn't even embarrassed when I started crying in the middle of the restaurant.
• Mags: when I went to see her after school, she listened to me, told me everything would be okay, and then gave me this article, highlighting numbers six and 15.  She is such an amazing friend.

I love my girls.